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Even
Nappy-Headed Ho’s Offended By Imus’ Comments
“He said we
were like, what, some Jenkins waved a crude shank made from a Goodwill kitchen
spoon to underscore her point.
“We
make lonely guys happy,” said crack afficionada Sable Jenkins, no relation.
“What they do, throw a ball around? Those chicks just fronting; we here to
represent.”
“Those
bitches wouldn’t last a second out here,” said Wilhemina Jenkins, pointing
around to indicate the mean streets of her Brooklyn neighborhood. “Here, you don’t
use double negatives, you get jumped proper. Shee-it.”
Imus,
from all appearances an unattractive man in his late nineties, apologized fifty
two hundred times, but it wasn’t enough, nor could it ever be. His shame will
outlive us all. He went on the Reverend Al Sharpton’s radio show in the special
time-slot reserved for white men who need to ask forgiveness for their ignorant
remarks.
“I made
a mistake. I thought things, then I said them.” Imus drooled.
His
observations were scanned by the offend-a-meter stationed in every city and
were determined to be hurtful.
How is
what he said any different than what Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock or Dave
Chappelle a “national dialogue” on race, and isn’t that what America really truly needs?
“Simple.” Replied a Sharpton aide. “Blacks get to say what they want about
Caucasians. Not the other way around.”say about white people?
“Simple.” Replied a Sharpton aide. “Blacks More bickering and mindless
provocations?
Duke
Lacrosse Players Cleared
The charges
against the three Duke Lacrosse
Team members
accused of rape were dismissed,
and everyone
couldn’t be happier.
“I’m
so proud of my son,” said Reade
Seligmann’s
father joyously. “He and forty-five
other
horndogs gathered to ogle some drugged-up
tramps get
naked. Thousands of dollars in legal
fees later,
everything is turning our way. I’m just
bustin’ at
the seams.”
Colin Finnerty was nominated for a
Congressional
Medal of Honor by his lawyer,
Sid
Shyster-Lundgren.
“He
was accused of something of something
bad, and then
it went away. What a hero and role
model. That a
good-looking young guy who’s a jock
at a major
university couldn’t get a date on a
weekend night
speaks to what a fine person he is
and what a
terrific catch he’ll make some lucky gal.”
YOU’RE
BEAUTIFUL, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL,
YOU’RE
BEAUTIFUL IT’S TRUE, YOU’RE
BEAUTIFUL,
YOU’RE BEAUTI-- Not you!!!
Her! Get
out of the way bitch! God, YOU?
I am SO sure.
Hey everyone, she thought I
was singing
to her—what a loser!!! Let’s all
laugh at her
unrealistic self-worth…
HAHAHAHEHEHE!
Accelerate
Into the Brake Lights
…and
other So Fla Driving Tips
--Holding a
cell phone up to your head
is mandatory,
even if it’s disconnected
--Cyclists
and pedestrians are your
deadly enemy
--Right turn
on red implies at 25 mph
Q & A
When is
the proper time to honk so
everyone
knows that you are in a hurry
and they need
to get out of your way?
ANSWER: Never
stop honking. A firm,
even pressure
on the horn is the best
way to get
“others” to move. I mean,
that’s what
it’s there for, the horn, to
let people
know you want to go…
World
Bank’s Wolfowitz
Caught
Being Corrupt
Paul Wolfowitz,
architect of the fabulously successful
war plan in Iraq, acknowledged he abused his new
position as
chief of the World Bank to give a cushy
job to a
girlfriend.
Conservatives were quick to jump to his defense.
“He’s being
persecuted because he wants to root out
third-world
nepotism.” Said uber-asshole Sean Hannity.
“They want to
smear him so he wouldn’t expose their
malfeasance.”
Such as giving a $194K a year to his latest fuck?
“Exactly. That’s precisely the sort of thing that is
unacceptable
when it is being done by someone in
a poor
country, someone who isn’t one of our
small,
fanatical, right-wing Christian cabal that has
rolled in
its’ power like a pig in slop since certain
stolen
elections in ’00 and ’04.” Hannity was unusually
candid, as he
was on painkillers recently copped from
another
reactionary fascist name o’ Limbaugh.
Kind of
makes you wonder what’s going on,
doesn’t it?
As top Bush administration officials get
drummed out
for stupidity, they land nicely-remunerated
positions
totally out of sync with the poor performance
they just turned
in. Example: J. Paul Bremer.
Capitalism rewards the productive and punishes the
inefficient,
right? Isn’t that our mantra, especially when
it comes to
blue-collar workers? So why reward
executive
incompetence?
Almost
makes you think the whole Iraq thing went
exactly as
some thought all along, making billionaires
out the
millionaires at Halliburton, Exxon, etc
GOOD GOSSIP
Hollywood Stars Wait to Find
Out From Their Publicists Who
Their
New Dating Partners Will Be
The social
scene in Tinseltown took a break as PR
flacks from
CMA and William Morris feverishly tried
to figure out
who will supposedly be couples.
Stars
such as Reese Witherspoon, Scarlet
Johansson,
Justin Timberlake, and Josh Hartnett
were
anxiously awaiting to hear who their new
lovers were
as they stayed home, worked out, and
hung with
their real, “boring” partners.
“The
only thing we’re sure of is Reese and
Jake
Gylenhaal, because they star in a movie
(‘Rendition’)
coming out. Everyone else is up in the
air.” said a
harried Stu Schickelson, unpaid intern
to
high-powered superagent Henry Glick.
“The
guy from Entourage may be with the chick
from Sabrina,
I think, and Bea Arthur and Rip Torn
may have a
December-December romance. No
one knows.
After the first few couple form, the rest
fall into
place.”
“A
bunch of bored old ladies and stupid
sub-humans
need to follow every twist and turn of
the people
they recognize from movies and TV—
it makes them
feel like they are part of something
bigger, which
is way better than merely the buyer
of an
entertainment product. These shut-ins and
kept-outs
MUST have celebrity scandals and
beautiful people
coupling to populate their thin,
sad inner
world and flesh out their sick little sexual
fantasies,”
said Geoff von Tiedeman, a pompous
windbag
teaching assistant from Slippery Rock
University,
his fleshy jowls jumping with animation
as he spoke.
“I
don’t care what girl they say I’m dating,” said
an anonymous
‘JT,’ “I like picking up black guys in
Silverlake
after the gay bars close. I mean, I was
a
Mouseketeer, sang in a boy band, AND seduced
by Michael
Jackson at Neverland Ranch. It doesn’t
get gayer
than me. But people won’t buy records
from a fag,
so I play this game.”
Anna
Nicole’s Baby: “I’m Outta Here!”
Anna Nicole
Smith’s baby girl snuck off from the circus that had become her life when she
realized the “adults” around here were more interested in money and fame and
status than her well-being.
“I
tied some sheets together and lowered myself onto the balcony below while my
nanny was getting schlonged by the security guard, and used diamonds I had
hidden in my butt to finance a trip to Hong Kong. There, I assumed a new
identity as an unwanted Chinese orphan. Right now I’m in the process of getting
adopted by a normal couple from Racine, Wisconsin.” Daniellynn gurgled.
Her
‘father,’ Larry Birkhead, was in court at the time having financial records
examined to see how much he could scam.
“I
really dodged a bullet there. He’s a total moron. Can’t believe his sperm were
the quickest and smartest. Competition must have been weak. I actually would
have preferred the creepy old Count guy….that would have been a hoot at least,
and he could change mine and Zsa Zsa’s diapers at the same time.”
Drunken
Swimmer Magazine Asks:
Are You
a Jellyfish, or a Plastic Bag?
I
don’t know if I care too
much,
or if I’m just getting
cranky
in my old age, but
Jimmy’s
Corn-Cracking is
really
starting to bother me
These Bitter
Times are a sad failure.
And soon
we’ll be expanding! Yes,
when I can
figure out how to cut and
paste and
upload, you will get all the
shallow
indifferent shit I’ve palming
off on all of
you, only via the Internet!
(patent
pending Al Gore)…to contact:
jeffteman@atlanticbb.net
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